About
This is the profile I’ve employed for various dating social media with mixed results. What I wouldn’t give for a dating website that let you setup a form of A/B testing because I’ve made so many adjustments and tweaks to this profile, it’s starting to feel like I’m at the optometrist’s office and the doctor is saying “1… 2? 3… 4 Better… worse?”. I don’t know just tell me the right answer!!
Occupation
Since my degree is in computer science, I initially bounced around a lot in various software engineering positions but had a difficult time dedicating myself to the job. I’m probably best known for being one of the first people who managed to reverse engineer the Windows 95 source code.
Due to my body having the natural resilience of Elijah Price, I decided to transition into education which is how I found myself half way around the globe teaching ESL to children in Taiwan. I’d been wanting to learn Chinese for a long time, and so spent the next three years overseas studying in my free time. Eventually I learned enough vocabulary to be able to purchase a return ticket to the States. That was 非常棒！
I’ve also taught in Russia as well, about an hour outside of Moscow. I find that the best way to gauge one’s own understanding is being able to effectively impart that knowledge to others. I’ve also tutored in science and math. When my students get titillated, I can’t help but also get titillated. And then everybody’s titillated and I mean c’mon, isn’t that the end goal to basically everything in life?
Hobbies
I love sitting at the piano and playing whatever comes to me but sometimes I just end up sitting there like Don Music smacking my head against the piano which is good if you’re playing Schoenberg but mostly costs a fortune in tylenol. I’m decent just don’t ask me to play Salieri. Now THAT is a challenge.
I also like to juggle. I somehow envision a perfect version of myself where I’m so proficient at juggling that strength is no longer the limiting factor for how many objects I can theoretically carry at the same time. Then I can open a moving business where I juggle your entire household’s worth of appliances to your new home. Also contact juggling cause who doesn’t secretly want to be the goblin king.
The Search
To be true (as one of my Russian ESL students used to say), one of the most important things that I’m looking for is somebody who’s passionate and has a healthy lust for life and also my loins wait no that’s terrible forget I said that. Now I’m reminding myself of those out take commercials with Orson Welles.
I’m really just searching for someone that I can share my passions with, and it’d be neato-dorito if we could stop collaborate and listen (ok ok enough vanilla). I love the idea of being able to be mutually immersed in each other’s interests, sort of an “iron sharpens iron” situation.
I’m not necessarily searching for romance, not that I would oppose such amorous advances very strenuously. I am a strapping specimen of manly man man with manly man musk, whatever the crap musk is. EDIT I just looked it up, I don’t like the idea of having gamey secretions. I like to think I have a Coco Chanel’s “Essence of Man” aroma about me but I probably smell more like Johnson and Johnsons’ “No More Tears”.
“Rosebud peas, full of country goodness and green pea-ness.”
WHERE I SPEND THE MAJORITY OF MY TIME
Well obviously futilely filling out innumerable online dating profiles would be number one. It’s das besta und I love it! Sometimes I like to scream at walls to measure how much reverb the material has. I also enjoy crawling through really tight awkward spaces in the remote possibility that it’s actually a portal to Narnia.
Pilot’s License
I’m currently in the middle of studying for my private pilot’s license. But the only plane I could ever afford to own would be the one that Snoopy flies and there’s no way it’s been cleared by the FAA.
Master’s Program
I’m working on a Masters program in computer science but that’s mostly so I can start quoting Darth Vader. When I left you, I was but the learner; now I am the master. It’s pretty expensive for a “bit”.
Edutainment
In my spare time, I make educational games, like Aladdin’s Mathemagical Flying Carpet which helps teach basic arithmetic and the times tables.
Dating Questions
These are the answers that I’ve given to various questions that appear on popular dating sites such as Okcupid, eHarmony, Match, etc. I’m like a human-sized Radio Shack but without the Chapter 11.
What’s your ethnicity?
What do you wish more people would notice about you?
Who’s the most influential person in your life?
Probably the dark lord satan. I was really able to connect with his message of eternal damnation and suffering. Plus I feel like I’m always cold so I’m looking forward to the endless sulfur and brimstone.
E nomine patri et filii et spiritu satanas.
How do you feel when you see people getting engaged on your social media?
I have a bit of a double-standard, wherein I embrace my own ability to change and grow through the years, but mildly resent when those changes occur in the people around me. Part of that is human-nature, social media has certainly not helped reduce our compulsory need to compare our lives to those around us. And life is obviously not a still work of art. Rationally, I realize that I can’t put everybody in a bottle but sometimes I wish I could.
If offered the opportunity to live in Iran for one year with a salary of $400,000, would you do it?
This was an oddly specific question on OkCupid. Iranian/Persian culture is fascinating in general and I’ve always wanted to pick up some Farsi. I imagine I would seamlessly integrate into their culture by constantly mistakenly referring to their country as Iraq and by quoting lines from the movie 300. And frankly, I’d let somebody sand off my face with a cheese grater for $400k – I can always go work in Sichuan opera.
What’s a food that you dislike?
If more foods were as infuriatingly difficult to eat as pistachios, the world would be a thinner, albeit meaner place. I think that by the time I finally get to eat the pistachio, I’ve expended an equal amount of calories just trying to get the stupid thing open. It’s the holy grail of dieting, a true negative calorie food!