What Is This Wondrous Place?

You’ve stumbled on my little corner of the interwebs that I’ve dedicated to chronicling my attempts to find the other rain drop as I race inexorably to the bottom of the window pane. Let this be a living testament of my attempts to find my better half and all of the inherent frustration that it entails.

Me meeting somebody for the first time.

Who Are You?

I’m a ivory tickling soccer ball juggling philosophizing aggrandizing dapper dan with a luscious full head of hair composed of NINE FAT STALKS. And I also come with realistic chuck norris commando karate chop action – I’m fully articulated! Don’t delay call today!

 

Being a millennial, I’m somewhat of a dilettante forever dipping my feet into the shallow end of my pursuits (composition, juggling, language, philosophy, lewd shadow puppetry), not that I can’t rock an incredibly sexy pair of water-wings and head for deeper waters cause that’s totally how I aced my Coast Guard application.

 

Just call me Casper cause I’m looking forward to being ghosted!

 

Shaun

Rendering of me as conceptualized by a race of depth-perception challenged cyclops.

Shaun 2

I think the lighting is better in this photograph. It really brings out the appling in my cheeks.

Evil Twin

This slider component for wordpress defaults to three elements, so here’s my evil twin.

Dating Profile

Seeing as it is standard etiquette and protocol to divulge our innermost secrets and personal information on various forms of social media, here you can behold the wonder of the man behind the curtain.

ABOUT ME

Meet the Ladies

The stories you are about to hear are true. Only the names have been changed to protect the innocent. Here you can see all the attempts I’ve made at making a meaningful connection with other “lonely hearts”.

CONNECTIONS

Contact Me

If you’ve made it through all this overly romantic maudlin sentimental drivel and still insist on wanting to get in touch with me, drop me an email, a singing telegram, or possibly a carrier pigeon.

CONTACT

Okay, but who are you really?

Sometimes the best way to know somebody is to play the question and answer game. Here are some questions (some typical and some… atypical) that I’ve had to answer while filling out various dating websites.

Hover over or touch the card directly to see my answer.

If you could have any animal as a pet, what would you pick?
Fainting goat
They're like "the clapper" of the animal kingdom.
What's the saddest song ever written?
Photograph by Nickelback
Sad as in PATHETIC OHHH BURN!!!
What is your golden rule?
He who has the gold makes the RULES
If I've learned anything from Disney movies as a kid it's that apparently those rules don't include serious orthodontic work.
Do you prefer elves or dwarves?
Neither
At this point, my favorite mythical creature is probably my soul mate.
Is being a workaholic a bad thing?
Not particularly
I mean among the range of words that end with "aholic", I can definitely think of worse ones than work.
What's your favorite place to spend time?
The Library
Remember the one in Beauty and the Beast? With my luck, if I ever inherited a library like that it'd probably be filled with the entire collection of "Books for Dummies". Cogsworth this is unacceptable!
When do you hope to retire?
Two days before my official retirement date
I learned everything I need to know about retirement from buddy cop movies.
What's your most distinctive physical feature?
People say that when I turn sideways I'm like one of those optical illusions where you can't tell if I'm a person or a vase. It's very flattering.
What's a big pet peeve at work?
When I keep getting asked to put a new cover sheet on my TPS report.
Dogs or cats?
Dogs
I've always wanted an Irish Setter with that red flare hair and then I can call it Clifford after feeding it a steady diet of anabolic steroids and smaller dogs like terriers.
What do you spend a lot of time thinking about?
How I seem to have the same success ratio at making life decisions as I did when I was a kid reading choose-your-own-adventure books.
What do you like to take pictures of?
Cat Anus
Because EVERY GODDAMN TIME I try they turn around and are like "hey what's your favorite part of a keyboard, is it the asterisk MUTHER FUCKER!?!??!" - that and the Amish.
What comic book character do you most identify with?
Bill Watterson's Hobbes and Marvel's Doctor Strange
I guess a cross between the two like in Cronenberg's "The Fly" but you know... with better skin.